


The Time She Couldn't

by TheHuntersCave



Series: I wanted to protect you [1]
Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: I AM SO SORRY I JUST LOVE ANGST, Other, SOMEONE ANGSTSHAME ME, THIS IS MY FIRST ML FANFIC
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-03
Updated: 2016-01-03
Packaged: 2018-05-11 06:41:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5617234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheHuntersCave/pseuds/TheHuntersCave
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And she cried, screamed at the top of her lungs at the loss, only to be hit with even more sorrow when his transformation vanished.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Time She Couldn't

The memories hit her like a truck. The blood, the pain, the despair. She had woken up with no recollection of what had happened, but her luck was running short. Tears started to fall down her face, her throat felt itchy, and her hands started shaking.

Oh, right.

Chat Noir was dead.

It all had happened in a second. He had received a direct hit from an akuma and fell to the floor. She couldn’t stop it. By the time she was done purifying the akuma and ran to him, it was too late to save him. He was barely conscious when she tried talking to him, but he knew it was coming. Chat Noir died in Ladybug’s arms, the one he loved. And she cried, screamed at the top of her lungs at the loss, only to be hit with even more sorrow when his transformation vanished.

Adrien Agreste, Marinette’s crush, replaced her kitty cat. He laid there, cold and pale, a pool of blood staining his white shirt, a small smile on his lips. Of course he would die smiling. To die in Ladybug’s arms, the one he loved. For her to be his last sight, of course he’d leave happy. But above all, it was so she wouldn’t worry. It was his way of telling her that it was ok, that she should move on.

Not that it was easy for her.

Losing Chat Noir was enough for Marinette to lose it. Although she would never admit it to his face, he was her best friend. But discovering that Chat was more than that, that he was also the one she loved completely destroyed her.

And so it was that in front of the citizens of Paris that tried to help Ladybug somehow, her transformation was gone. What was left was a mess of a girl, holding on to the body of her partner on the floor, both covered in blood as everyone stood speechless.

Upon waking up, her only words were “He’s gone. He’s gone, Tikki,” a whisper no one really heard.

“Marinette,” came a soothing voice. She looked up at the one talking to her; her mother. “Mari, my love, do you know where you are?”

“Mama… Oh, I wanna go home,” the dark-haired girl whined as she realized where she was.

A hospital. Right, she had been taken there after the fight.

“You will, soon.” Replied the older woman.

Marinette kept crying. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you anything. Everything went so wrong, so wrong. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, he wasn’t supposed to… he should be here.”

Sabine looked at Tom, who had placed both his hands on her shoulders.

“Hey, my little chocolate chip, it’s ok. Please don’t cry anymore,” said her father.

_Oh, My Lady, please don’t cry._

The tears wouldn’t stop coming. No matter how hard her parents tried to console her, she couldn’t stop herself. Not even Tikki, who always managed to calm her, was able to make her stop.

Alya came by later. Both she and Marinette’s parents were still getting used to the small kwami that wouldn’t leave her charge’s side. Alya had asked questions, but had gotten very little answers. Yes, she was what gave Ladybug her power. No, she was not a fairy. No, she could not explain how the Miraculous works.

“Hey, girl,” she whispered, sitting next to the bed her friend was lying on. She then took her hand and made little circles on the skin. She knew there was nothing to say. Adrien was dead, and there was no bringing him back. No amount of words could ever ease Marinette’s heart. All she could do was to be there with her, show support wherever she could.

There was a moment when her parents had left the room. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust them—on the contrary, really—but she needed to talk to someone else; she needed Alya alone.

“Oh, Alya, he’s dead. Chat is dead Alya, I don’t know what to do,” she cried to her friend. “If I had known—if I had been faster then maybe he’d still be here.”

“Marinette,” began her friend, her voice determined. “It is not your fault. There was no way for you to have helped him, and as horrible as it is, blaming yourself won’t change anything.”

“She’s right, Marinette. Chat wouldn’t want you to blame yourself, you know him well enough,” added Tikki from her place on Marinette’s chest.

“I don’t know what to do anymore. Tikki, I don’t wanna give up Ladybug. But I don’t know if I can suit up again. Just thinking about it—“she got goosebumps.

“Maybe you should take a break then,” suggested Alya.

Marinette snorted. “I wish. It’s not like Hawk Moth will wait until I’m feeling better. I have a duty with Paris, I _have_ to protect it.”

Tikki gave Alya a worried look.

 

Marinette was released the day after, with only a few bandages here and there. She just wanted to go home, lay in bed and sleep. The funeral was happening that week and she needed peace and quiet to get mentally ready for it.

The last thing the teenager expected was the flashes of the cameras.

It made sense, though. She was Ladybug and everyone knew now.

“Ladybug! Plase, tell us about your powers!”

“Miss Ladybug, how do you feel about the loss of Chat Noir?”

“Did you know the great Chat Noir was the acclaimed model Adrien Agreste?”

“What are you planning on doing now that you’ve gone solo?”

Marinette promised herself she wouldn’t cry anymore. How dare these people ask about Adrien in such a way? How could they come up to her like this? She couldn’t help it when her eyes got watery and her cheeks red.

Lucky for her, her father was _huge_ and managed to get her away from the mass of people asking questions. Something similar awaited them back at the bakery, but once again Tom did all he could to get his daughter home.

Marinette went straight to her bed. She couldn’t stand the pictures of Adrien on her walls nor her computer. She would deal with those later. Now she just wanted to rest. At the hospital she did nothing but cry; her body was begging for some rest.

The next two days were spent sleeping, and the moments she spent awake not wanting to talk much. She was still not done mourning her Chat and wanted to do it alone. Her parents gave her space, only coming by every once in a while and siting with her, saying nothing. No one could truly understand how she felt. She lost two people in a split second. She held onto them –him—during his last seconds. The last thing he did was smile at her, his last words about her. How does one exactly keep on going after something like that?

She slept to scape her thoughts. Be it her luck coming back or something else, it was a dreamless slumber. Maybe if she slept everything would get better, she kept telling herself. Or maybe she wouldn’t wake up again. The second option was a tempting one, to be honest. She wouldn’t have to worry about anything then, if she just ceased to exist.

It was only a thought, though. Just a small little voice at the back of her head telling her that maybe everything would be better if she somehow left. She wouldn’t dare to act on it, no matter how desperate she got. And there was always Tikki to look after her if she felt the need to do something stupid.

The third day after being out of the hospital was the funeral. Getting ready took her hours; just taking a shower felt like the hardest thing in the world. She felt tired, both physical and emotionally. Just the thought of Adrien being laid to rest underground forever was enough to make her sick. But no matter how much she wanted to vomit, she was going. She would _never_ forgive herself if she missed it.

On her way there all she could do was look at her right hand where a silver ring rested. It was Adrien’s Miraculous, according to Tikki. She had taken it so it wouldn’t be stolen by Hawk Moth. The reality was that Plagg had to look for a new Chat Noir, since that was how it always worked. When a superhero expired, a new one replaced them. Marinette couldn’t imagine herself working with someone who wasn’t Adrien, not if he wasn’t _her_ Chat Noir. But she couldn’t give up being Ladybug, either.

The cemetery was full of security, Gabriel Agreste not wanting the press to bother his son’s funeral. Marinette didn’t dare to make eye contact with Adrien’s father. She was scared of him blaming her for it. It was enough with her alone doing it constantly already.

She spotted familiar faces: Nino of course, who looked at her with sad eyes as he waved at her. Chloe, who, for once in her life, looked like she actually _felt_ something for someone else. Alya came too, not leaving Marinette’s side even for a second.

She felt like all eyes were on her, and that made her angry. This was _not_ about _her_. This was about _Adrien Agreste_ , a _wonderful_ boy who only wanted to protect Paris. A _wonderfu_ l boy who liked to flirt and tease and make _stupid_ cat puns. A wonderful _dork._ A boy who just wanted his father to notice him. A lonely boy who found solace in his partner. An _amazing, incredible, caring, gentle, selfless, wonderful boy_ who had left them way too _soon_. And Marinette made sure everyone present knew this. Adrien deserved to be known and remembered for who he really was. And he was all that so, so much more.

By the time everyone left, Marinette was still there, Tikki on her shoulder, Alya faithful by her side.

“Do you think Plagg wants to say goodbye?” asked Marinette in a small voice, placing the ring on the ground above Adrien’s grave.

_Here lies Adrien Agreste, protector of Paris, saviour of us all. We thank you for your bravery and sacrifice, Chat Noir._

Out of the small ring came a small black cat. This was not the first time Marinette was seeing him, she had already spoken to him in her bedroom. The small kwami sniffed.

“I’m going to miss you. No one pleased my cheese demands like you did, Adrien,” Plagg murmured, a small paw touching the grave. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say that, but it is true. Uh, you know what I mean, Adrien. I never wanted it to end like this; especially for you. You deserved much better.”

The small kwami then took the ring and placed it in Marinette’s finger once more, to disappear into it again. He needed time to heal, and Marinette would give him as much as he needed.

Alya said she was going to get something for them to drink and that she’d be back shortly. Marinette thanked her for giving her some time alone, and sat next to Adrien’s grave as she watched her friend go.

She couldn’t speak. Her throat was raw from crying so much, face completely red and eyes puffy from tears. There was so much to say, but words would not come out. A thousand thoughts travelled her mind, but nothing would be enough to express what she felt. She ended up just crying next to the grave while hugging her legs, murmuring I’m sorry every now and then. She was being stupid and selfish, she told herself. Adrien wouldn’t want to see her like this.

Alya came back soon after and handed a water bottle to her friend, and a pastry to the red kwami. She sat next to Marinette and looked at the sky, wishing more than anything else for her friend to get better soon.

 

Marinette didn’t know if this was a good idea. It had already been two weeks, and Alya commented that maybe it would do her good to go out again. That it could help her come to terms with the thing as a whole. She agreed with her friend. And that’s how Marinette found herself at school once more after so long, Alya on her right and Nino on her left. Once determined to go through with it, the superhero was now doubting her choice.

“Look, we don’t want you pushing yourself, Mari,” said Alya. Nino nodded in agreement.

“I know. I want to do this. I’m just… not looking forward to everyone staring at me.” Marinette murmured.

“You are Ladybug, Marinette!” came Tikki’s small voice.

“Yeah, dude, if anyone can do this it’s definitely you!” added Nino.

Marinette had become closer to Nino, both him and Alya coming to her house, all three teenagers mourning their loss on their own but _together_.

She knew she was being dumb. She wasn’t the only one who had to face that empty sit in the classroom. But right now she couldn’t bring herself to think about others, and her friends understood her needs. She _had_ been the one to see him die, after all.

Little by little her classmates came up to her and hugged her, told her they were thankful for everything she was doing for the city, and that they were there for her if she ever had the need. Even Chloe had placed a hand on her shoulder in a supporting way to then walk away as if nothing had happened. Everyone being so gentle with her brought a feeling of safety, and she felt the pain lessen a little bit.

The day went on normal—as normal as it could be, at least. She took notes during class, the teachers told her they were sorry for the loss and thanked her for her actions as Ladybug, she managed to walk through the corridors of school as if nothing happened.

But she could only pretend for so long.

She didn’t make it to the end of the school day. She told Alya she wasn’t feeling good and both girls asked to leave school early. There were no complaints from the faculty, and both girls made their way to Marinette’s house. Alya kept telling her she was proud of her for being brave and going back to school. That it was ok to leave early, and that actually telling her she wasn’t feeling well was a great step.

Suddenly, screams could be heard at a distance.

“Someone, _help!_ ”

“ _Ladybug!”_

“ _Please_ come help, someone!”

Marinette started shaking. She wasn’t ready. She wasn’t ready to suit up again. She started breathing heavily and rested against a wall, Alya holding her hand. Panicked tears streamed down Marinette’s face as she descended slowly to the floor, hugging her legs. She couldn’t do it. She couldn’t be Ladybug right now. She wasn’t ready, she couldn’t look down at her hands, not those gloved red hands that held his corpse, not right now, she couldn’t face her other self who had let Chat Noir die on her watch.  Marinette couldn’t think straight.

“ _MARINETTE!”_ Alya was screaming at her.

Above both of them appeared a masked figure. “Ladybug!” they said. “Give me the Miraculous! There is nothing you can do to stop Hawk Moth without Chat Noir, hand them over!”

She could hear him. She could hear her Chat in the back of her head telling her to get a grip on herself, she was Ladybug. Paris was under attack and she was the only one who could save it right now. She was the only one who could protect his ring now. She wasn’t going to let it all go to waste, was she?

Springing to her feet, Marinette looked at the akuma victim in front of her and wiped the tears from her face with her sleeve.

“Tikki, spots on!”

 

The grass felt soft under her feet. Spring was making its way into Paris, flowers blooming all around, children playing outside. She took a sit on the ground and looked up at the blue sky.

“I keep telling myself that it wasn’t my fault,” she started saying to the stone next to her. “but I still don’t believe it. I keep thinking about things I could’ve done to avoid this, but nothing really pops up. I just can’t make that little voice in my head shut up. It’s almost as annoying as you.” A sigh. “Sometimes I think that maybe it should’ve been me, not you, who died. That one is easier to believe. But don’t worry, I’m not going to do anything stupid. I have Tikki looking out for me, and you can trust her.” She groaned, sliding her hands along her face. “There’s so much I want to say, kitty cat. There’s so much going on inside my head and I can’t quite put it into words. I’m sorry it took me this long to finally come talk to you. I still care so much for you, Chat. School feels weird. I miss seeing you there, sitting in front of me, hearing you laugh with Nino. I can’t even look at pictures of you cause it hurts so bad. Not being able to see you or hear your voice anymore hurts. It’s still hard to see you as both but at the same time so easy. Of course you were Chat, it was so _obvious_. But I feel so blessed, so lucky that I was able to know _you_.” she sniffed.  “Ah, I promised myself I wouldn’t cry anymore. I don’t want you to see me like this. I am a mess right now, can’t put myself together. But I’m getting better. I managed to go back to it, to being Ladybug. It’s so different without you saying unnecessary cat puns at the worst of times, or smiling like the Cheshire cat at me. There’s no one there to call me his Lady now.” She laughed a little. “There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you for the longest of times, Adrien. And I’m really sorry I couldn’t do it before. But here I am. Here I, Marinette Dupain-Cheng, am saying to you, Adrien Agreste, that I love you. And I regret I couldn’t say it before. But that’s ok. I am finally saying it now, and it feels good when I do, so I’m gonna say it as much as I want. I love you. I love you so much, my kitty cat. I love you, I love you.”

Marinette sighed and stood up. She wiped the tears from her face and smiled for the first time in what felt like years. “I promise to come visit you every week. I’m gonna keep you up to date on everything going on, don’t you worry Adrien. This one’s a promise I’m keeping.”

The girl took a deep breath and stretched her arms. She was still sad, there was no denying it. She wouldn’t be able to heal from one day to the other, but having said those things aloud to Adrien, even if he couldn’t hear her, made her feel good. There were no more secrets now. There also was no point in giving up to her sadness; she wanted to move on. She didn’t want Adrien’s death to stop her. And he wouldn’t want that either.

She wasn’t 100% sure of what she was going to do now. She was back to being Ladybug, and she liked it. But she still had a lot of healing to do. She decided she would take as much time as she needed. After all, she had her friends and family, as well as all of Paris backing her up.

But even when the future was uncertain, one thing was clear in her mind: Adrien’s death would not be in vain. She would never give up.

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah, Chat is my son and I make my children suffer.  
> I have another version (soon) where Chat survives so if you want better things check that one out.  
> I have a tumblr if you wanna talk or whatever: http://hellisopentonight.tumblr.com/
> 
> EDIT: the other version has already been posted, enjoy after all the tears.


End file.
